I Hate ...

Some things I really hate ...

Being fat.

It really stinks. There are a lot of downers to being fat. A lot. But just to name a few ...

• It's a heck of a lot harder to find clothes that FIT and don't look like a hot air balloon.
• I feel winded after climbing a set of stairs. It can be especially embarrassing if you're trying to carry on a conversation with someone while walking the stairs.
• Aches & pains. When you're carrying a lot of extra weight like I am, everything begins to hurt. God didn't intend for our bodies to carry so much weight on them. My knees, ankles, hips, thighs, chest, even my wrists hurt b/c I'm overweight. (I have carpal tunnel & the Dr. told me that I can have the surgery, but if I don't lose weight, I'll just get it again, and the surgery is harder the second time around, not to mention that most insurance companies won't pay for the second time around.)
• I get tired of taking up so much space! Seriously! Have you ever tried to cram a bunch of people into a car, and they offer to let you have the front seat b/c there's more room? Or waiting for an elevator and it's full, and people move around so you can come in, but you worry that you might not fit? They moved my office from the basement of the JEC to the top floor of the FC and my desk had a really small chair that hurt the back of my legs after sitting in it for an hour. I have 10 hour days most of the time, and the majority of the time I'm sitting (I know - that's part of my problem right there) and I had to switch chairs b/c my behind was too huge.
• People stare at you while you eat.
• When I come home from work, I'm tired. All I've been doing has been sitting, but I'm still tired. My son, having not seen me all day long, wants to play w/ me and I'm tired.
• I don't sleep well at night.
• You start to smell a lot faster than a "normal" person.
• Skinny toothpick people tell you that "they know how you feel" and sometimes, you just want to smack them. (In a loving Christian kind of way, of course.)
• I'm tired of digging my grave w/ my fork!

Pictures of myself.

I really love taking pictures, but when I'm in them - let's just say it's really depressing. A picture is worth at least a 1,000 words. In some cases, those 1,000 words turn into blog entries such as this one. :)

For the last week, I've been down in lower MI w/ my mom & son Kevin visiting my grandparents. A few days ago, my grandparents & I took Kevin to the zoo. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time. But, when I looked at the pictures my grandma took, I had several emotions going through my head. First I was disgusted. I couldn't stand the sight of myself. My instinct wanted to delete all the pictures that had me in them, but I figured that wouldn't be the most mature thing to do. (It also would have been selfish b/c my grandmother loves me and loves the pictures.) I was partly angry b/c I am the only one to blame for the way I look. Then I get "depressed," or more likely, "down" which usually leads me to overeating. Then I get "down" again b/c the food only satisfies for a little while. Oh, and then I feel gross and bloated b/c I've eaten too much.

Then I start thinking ... (not always a good thing.) How can anyone else accept me if I can't even stand to accept myself? Will anyone ever be able to look past my problem(s) to who I really am and want to help me through it? Will there ever be a man that will love me and my son enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me? Am I being stupid for thinking these thoughts? Etc. The end to most of my "cycles" is overeating - indulging in food. Then these cycles begin again. It's really horrible!

Food.

It's one of those love/hate things. I hate food b/c I love it so much! I love eating. I love going out to eat and trying something sinfully divine! Dessert is a must no matter how full I am. I almost always regret later how much food I ate. I know. I know; "everything in moderation." Self-control is not in my dictionary, and it needs to be. I don't think I need someone to tell me that I'm fat, or that I love food too much. I've reached that realization back in 6th grade. But how does one gain self control? Some people are stick skinny, but have no self control, but they've been blessed w/ a high metabolism.

Mirrors.

Once you look into it, the truth is known. Full length mirrors are the worst, and my grandma has a lot of them. I use to be able to suck in my stomach a little and wear the right kind of clothes to hide my weight a little. But not anymore! All mirrors need to be smashed!

Excuses.

Everybody has them and they all stink. I keep telling myself, "Okay, this is the last bowl of ice cream for the summer." "After this pizza, I won't eat anymore till my birthday." "When these chips are gone, I just won't buy anymore." But I don't follow through. There's always going to be one more birthday party, or one more get-together. There's going to be another baby or bridal shower with yummy 10,000 calorie cake and 10,000 g. of fat!

So what's my problem & what am I going to do about it?

I've babbled long enough on the negative. So the positive side of all thise? Well, at least I do realize I have a problem - actually several problems. That's 1/2 the battle. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, exactly. I've prayed a lot. I've cried. I've been angry. I've gone to my Dr. (who just discouraged me to the point of wanting to quit entirely.) I've tried this diet and that diet. I've read the books and read the articles and researched the internet. Ya know, it's quite a parallel to salvation ... I have the head knowledge, but there's no action following it. Why can't I just make up my mind and follow through???

Now I'm going to go finish my chocolate fudge chunk ice cream while I read an article in the Prevention magazine about 7 Foods that Boost Fat Loss!